Toilet Rumination #117

I’ve never been a particularly happy man.  Few things I disdain more than the expectation to be happy. I don’t wear a smile well on my face. I feel unfamiliar to myself when smiling. But this does not mean I am miserable inside. I quit enjoy and appreciate my unhappiness. I think it is an appropriate response to the realities of living. But I don’t like that I seek or attach my happiness to someone else. I place a lot of how I feel inside on the efforts of somebody else. If I don’t feel loved or cared for I become upset and worried. If I feel like someone is being disingenuous with me I become very bothered. If someone is able to tell me that they love me and that they are committed to me, I feel more secured internally. There is much of how I feel inside that is dependent on someone else. I am not happy about this about myself. This may have something to do with why I am not a particularly happy man. I think that a happy man is a self-reliant man. A happy man is a man who is able to take care of himself. A happy man is dependent on no one else for his happiness. The moment a happy man falls in love and becomes dependent on another for their happiness and feelings of security they become an unhappy man. This is why I am not a particularly happy man. I am too dependent on others to provide me with my feelings of well-being and security. It is a terrible affliction.  I am well aware when someone is done with me, when they are tired of me, when they are over me, when they are not loving me- but still I go back to them for more. A happy man does not do this. A happy man is done with a person when that person treats them with love no more. A happy man walks out the door and never looks back the moment they get the sense that a person is tired of them, done with them, bored by them, no longer committed to them. But I hang around. This is my fundamental flaw. When another person is tired of me I will try to solve the problem with them. I will try and talk to that person about how they can be better with me. How they can be more interested in me. Things they can do to make things between us better. I can’t think of a bigger waste of time. How pathetic! I can’t think of a better way to be an unhappy man. I don’t know why I don’t just leave someone the moment they do me harm. I just keep coming back for more even though they continue to do me harm. And they blame it on me. On my inability to just stop and be cool within the relationship. But really the reason they keep doing me wrong is because they suffer from a similar affliction. They are unhappy because they are not able to leave, to walk away. They stay stuck as well because they feel bad. They feel shame. And the cycle of unhappiness perpetuates. But the strange thing is how my sexuality is caught up in this dynamic. I am more sexually aroused when a person is leaving me or does not want to be with me. Few things make me more aroused than being told that I am no longer loved or wanted. That I am a pathetic piece of shit but that they still like my dick. For some reason this really gets me off as dysfunctional as it might be. The moment I am faced with a person who is in love with me I am also faced with a disinterest in sex. I need to be unwanted to be turned on. I need to be looked down upon and disdained to feel orgasmic highs. I really don’t understand what is wrong with my brain but if I was a happy man I wouldn’t care because a happy man would get off on all this for as long as he could and then one day move on to another deranged human being. Because all human beings are deranged.  But an unhappy person stays stuck in the dynamic of getting off sexually because they feel pathetic, unwanted, loathed and unloved but then spending the rest of their time trying to get that other person to see see them as a wothwhile partner. In sex the truth can be explored but the rest of the time there is too much fear for truth. I need to get off this toilet and go for a walk.

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