Toilet Rumination #118

I walked through a cemetery. I felt death. The ending of all. I cried. How sad it all is. It is sad that I forget. That we are all going to die. That so many no longer live. And then all of our preoccupations and problems will cease to exist. We will die with them. They with us. But the human condition involves a lot of suffering. It is part of the deal of life. No one gets away from it. Feeling emotions like sorrow is the way it goes. To run from this is insanity. There are two kinds of insanity. The kind that always needs to be happy and glad and the kind that always needs to be miserable, angry and sad. The in-between is where the sanity dwells. I myself am a madman. I am not happy to admit it. I want to be pleasantly minded, to enjoy life and not be so preoccupied with trivial matters such as whether or not a person loves me or whether or not they are going to harm me. What makes a madman is the abundance of fear. Madmen are overridden by fear. Fear is never far from their mind. Fear is their mind in many ways. Because of this abundance of fear they need to control things in a way that makes them mad. They are preoccupied by the things they need to control. They are made mad by the things they need to control. Control and the absolute inability to have control is at the heart of all madness. A madman is preoccupied with themselves because it is only through this preoccupation that they feel like they can maintain control. But they can not maintain control and this is always making them upset. Do you see how this works? I mean even now I am sitting on the fucking toilet thinking about death, fear and the inability to have control. I am terrified into madness by my lack of any control. Anything can happen to me at any time and I can not even make my wife tell me she loves me a million times to get the kind of control I need. It is a hopeless battle. My brain is a madness zone. There is always something going wrong inside here. Most people go to the gym to workout. I sit on the toilet and ruminate. Viktor Frankl talked about how people survived the concentration camps by choosing to perceive things in a way that was not as detrimental to them. I forget the term he gave this. As a psychologist I should know. But it was the result of choosing a more life-affirming and willful way of perceiving their predicament that certain people where able to survive the brutality of the holocaust. I would have died in the holocaust. I would not have been able to perceive things in a way that was life-affirming and more positive. I would have been very upset. Overridden by anger and fear. I would have been filled with hatred and the terror of dying like all those around me. In my current life situation, because of my madness, I am not able to have a way of perceiving my reality that is positive, optimistic and not filled with worry and fear. So I smoke weed. I inhale the perceptual shift that I need since I am not able to do this on my own. I have tried but at this point in my existence realize that I can not on my own. I need weed in the same way anyone with a serious condition needs medication. Weed makes me less of a madman. Without the perceptual shift caused by marijuana, I become so miserable and stressed out that I could not possibly survive much longer. Keep me mildly high till I die.

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