In many ways I am a failure. But failure doesn’t much matter to me. So what, I am a failure. My wife is out on a date with another man. He is actually a young kid as far as I am concerned. Just what she likes. I don’t mind much. I could lose myself in self-pitying thoughts but really, what is the point of that? So what, I am a failure in may ways. But I don’t mind being a failure. There are few things I would want to be more. I mean, to be a failure just means not to live by the same rules that everyone else does. This is true, but there is a less romantic side of being a failure. So what, my wife is with another man. I don’t mind. Most of the time I spend with her is because I enjoy her but really I am just trying to escape from my own life. The things I need and want to do. So she is out with another man. Gives me more time to sit here on my toilet and think. Gives me more time to listen to my music and be left alone. It is a good thing to have more time on my hands. Most of my time with her, as much as I enjoy her company, is wasting time. It is time that I could be sitting here on my toilet thinking. I am glad she found someone she likes whom she can hang out with and have good, fun, kinky sex with. It is the perfect situation. Leaves me with more time to do the things I want to do. I am a few decades older than my wife, we are at different places in our lives. I am in more of a solitary, contemplative place in my life. She is in a full-time social and sexual place in her life. There is only so much I can tolerate of that. This time on the toilet is my alone time, and I only want more of this. This David Lynch album I have on is great. But there is a less romantic form of failure. In many ways I am honored to be a failure. What a pathetic society I live in. The game is too much. It is a bunch of shit I must put up with if I want to have status and money. I see the crap that it is and don’t much want to participate, but I have got to do what I have got to do. I need to get by, and I play the game, but I also realize it is a bunch of fraudulent shit. I’m not falling for it. I don’t have much interest in it and in this respect it is great that I am a failure. It is a true accomplishment. But there is a less enjoyable form of failure to think about. The form of failure that is a result of neglect, laziness and irresponsibility. I have always been a very irresponsible man. The fact that I am able to maintain a home and a comfortable life is a miracle to me. I don’t pay a single bill and I hope everything works out. It is my wife who keeps me in the situation I am in. It is because of her ability to take care of things that I live the lifestyle I do. There is no way a person like myself should live in the way that I do. I am a very lucky man and I am grateful to my hard-working wife but I am a very irresponsible man. incredibly neglectful and irresponsible. I do not participate with the world any more than I need to. I withdraw whenever I can. I am out of the game as soon as I am able. I don’t take care of many responsible things. I badly get by. This is a pathetic kind of failure. In many ways I am a pathetic piece of shit. I am a real piece of shit. I expect things. I judge intensely. I let other people deal with the bullshit. I am withdrawn and often very worried. I am a real pathetic piece of you know what man. Well, what are you going to do? It is really remarkable that you hold down a job as a psychologist. I don’t know how you do it. I know you hate it. I know you do it because if you don’t make some money you will be left by the woman you are married to. You are so pathetic but she stays with you because you earn a good amount of money, you have status and a reputation. You greatly benefit her so she seizes the opportunities I offer. But I am an absolute failure. She is out having sex with another man because I am disinterested often in pleasing her sexually. What is my problem? I am lazy. I don’t want to do the work and there in lies the root of my failure. I am lazy and I do not want to work. I neglect things. I withdraw from things (I am very clean and organized but still). I want to be out of the game as soon as I can. I want to be left alone to think these thoughts in my head. I want to be left alone to listen to David Lynch, sit on my toilet, read a book and think thoughts like this. Did I already say that? I can’t remember half the things I think. I don’t even know why I think like I do. It is because I am a failure. I am in complete withdraw. I don’t want to work and I don’t want to do much anymore. I undermine myself much of the time. I know there are things I should do but I don’t do them. I suppose because I don’t think they matter that much. Or maybe I have just subconsciously decided to let most things go. To let the cards land where they may. I mean we all die. Life is what we make it. Just try to live your life as well as you can. Quality over quantity. And if you can have both maybe that is a life well lived. But this undermining of myself is really a molecular habit. Molecular only because it is a part of my cellular construct, since I do it so much. I suppose you could say that I am carless in many ways. I rely too much on others to take care of me. If people don’t point certain things out or make certain things happen for me nothing will happen. Now I know this is not good and there are things I could do to circumnavigate the habit, but I don’t. I undermine myself is what I do. I do not believe that things I think and feel are right. I know that I am a madman so I try not to trust myself too much. There is a lot that I think and feel that is incorrect. This is why it is important that I undermine myself. I make a lot up in my head and take it for truth. That is madness. Really I just want to pursue pervert and deviant sex. I want to write, read, drift and think and create art. I want to live well and be left alone. I am a walking contradiction but Emerson said this was a sign of genius. I want to get better at being alone. It is only alone that one is able to find true success. Alone one can also find true misery and despair. They are all wonderful things. Success, despair and misery. But none of it matters. It is all just happening. Don’t read into any of it too much. I mean the behaviors of human beings are just completely absurd. They really think that what they feel and think matters. I am guilty of this as well. I often think that what I think matters. Obviously or I would not be taking all this time to think on the toilet. I am a self-important man. This means the most important man to myself. I am too good for the stupidity of the world. Truth is I think I am far exhausted to even try to outsmart anyone in the world anymore. I am too tired to do it. I don’t care that much about it. I have surpassed the vast majority in awareness and intelligence. Knowing this is enough for me. Unfortunately this also often means that a person is broke. You can’t have a lot of money and be interested in intelligence and awareness unless you are one of the few who works hard and gets lucky. David Lynch comes to mind. But most who care more about knowledge and awareness don’t tend to make much money. I really enjoy spending money but I am disdainful about having to make it. A walking contradiction. My ass on the toilet seat feels very warm. My wife loves having sex with this young guy she is dating. She loves it. It is the greatest sex of her life. She is a highly sexual woman. A complete slut in many ways who loves to be adored and screwed. In other ways she is just smart and plays the slut card but really just prefers life with a penis in or near her. She really likes having sex with this guy. I can’t compete. The times I have spied (what a pleasure spying is!) on them I have been very amazed by their sexual proclivities. It is very athletic sex. I can’t compete. I don’t want to compete. I can’t do that stuff. My wife really likes having sex with this guy. He is a decent-looking guy. A nice figure, ugly face and a terrible dresser. He is very into my wife. He is completely into her. So much so that he is always leaning into her. She loves the way he has sex with her. Is it possible to love the way someone has sex with you but not be in love with a person? I really don’t think so. I don’t think you can absolutely love having sex with someone and not be in love with them. I just don’t see it. We are biological creatures and sex and love are biologically linked. So she is in love with him. What am I going to do? Nothing I can do about it. I don’t think she would leave me for him because he has no life. He is a loser. (But I am a failure and she is with me. She is obviously into these failure/loser types.) She knows this and is afraid to leave me for him. But she loves having sex with the guy and has worked out a good way for herself to do it. But she is completly emotionally shut down to me. She is very nice to me but very shut down emotionally. She loves having sex with this guy. She loves this guy and is emotionally closed to me. What are you going to do? If she leaves me for him so be it. I just wish she had the courage to tell me the truth so we can figure some sort of optimal situation out. We are working towards that. I can’t compete with the kid. She doesn’t like having sex with me as much and I understand why. I am in a contemplative and solitary period of my life. The only sex I want to have is slutty sex that I dont have to work very hard for. I just want slut sex that I don’t have to do much for. Not all the time but when I want it. I’m tired of pleasing women. I want them to please me. If I have to pay for it so be it. If she is in love with another guy I really don’t mind. As long as I get the slut sex. She could move in with the kid part-time for all I care. I would be able to develop more of a ruminative way of life. It is only because she is out on a date with the young guy that I have this kind of time to sit here and think. I had this potted plant once. It was perched on the living room window sill. Just in front of the couch. I thought I should have moved it but I didn’t. Then when my wife was having sex with her young lover the potted plant was in the way the entire time. I couldn’t see much of anything. But I can’t keep up. They have athletic sex. I can’t do that stuff. I have grown too old and lazy. I prefer to be the pervert with binoculars in his hands. If she is in love with him that doesn’t bother me. She won’t leave me. She just needs to tell me she is in love and then she can be with him more. I don’t want to get between a woman and the object of her love, even if she is my wife. I mean she loves sex. She says he is a friend whom she loves having sex with. I am not sure. If you give me a friend whom I love having sex with I will probably fall deeply in love with her. I would think. I mean that is the ideal relationship! A friend whom you love having sex with. It is a fine line. Being in love is loving having sex with someone. It is amazing how these two go at it. Athletes. They go on and on. I can’t compete. Sure it makes me jealous but who cares. I am a failure. I am a failure in this way. I have failed at keeping my wife sexually satisfied. I have failed to keep her into me in this way. She is with a younger guy, loving having sex with him because I don’t want to do the work. I have been neglectful. I get it. I’m too tired. You drop the ball man and someone else is going to pick it up. You dropped the ball and someone else has got it now. What are you going to be upset about? You get that you blew it. It makes sense. You failed and to expect her to still be into you, to still love you is just more self-important crap. She is only with you because she thinks you are cool and you enable a certain lifestyle together. She is with you for the lifestyle and she likes hanging out with you but you are a pain in her ass. She is so sick and tired of your bullshit that she really doesn’t care anymore. She will let you watch her having sex with him because she really just doesn’t care. She is so sick and tired of your bullshit but she puts up with it because you enable a particular lifestyle you lazy son of a bitch. Ok, so it is now a deal between us. A kind of partnership. She and I both get a certain lifestyle out of the deal, we help each other and we are companions. But when it comes to sex and love and all that stuff that is a separate deal. Sex and love are now the property of someone else. But she will be sexual with you whenever you want. She can’t get enough sex. The more the better. She wants an arsenal of penis’ and you are one of them. She loves your penis too but she is just not in love with you in that way. That is ok, I don’t mind. All things pass. I don’t need the time suck that being in love is. As long as I can watch and get some sexual attention, so be it. I have failed. I am a failure. I do not deserve more than this. I have not been able to keep her interested in me in that way. She is emotionally shut towards me because she is emotionally open towards him. Can’t do two at the same time. I understand how it goes. So be it. To hell with her. I will take what I can get. I will benefit from this in the best way I know how. Just tell me what is really going on and I am fine. Well that is not true. I will probably be pissed off and hurt and she knows that so she keeps it to herself. My wife is such a manipulative shit. But nice girl. I will give her that. She is a nice and very attractive girl. A smart girl as well. Just likes to play it dumb. Typical Southern California valley girl stuff. Maybe I am fabricating a lot of this in my head. Maybe none of what I am thinking is true. Possibly I am making it all up because I am so bored. Maybe I really do live alone in a small apartment and am just concocting this entire fantasy. Almost fifty and living in a studio apartment making this all up in my head. Such a failure. But maybe she is in love. Maybe she really loves this guy. The way they kiss and hold one another sure makes it appear so. But the kid is an idiot. He really is a steep dip in intelligence so if she is in love with him more power to her. But man the kid is good in bed. I can’t do it like that. Let them have their fun. Let her be happy. I want her to be happy and have her fun even if it means I am alone on a Saturday night ruminating on a toilet seat in some run down studio apartment. It could have all gone down for me that way. It hasn’t yet but it still could. It is still a possibility for the future that I will end up alone and in a studio apartment. Because I am a failure. This is how failures turn out. This is what happens to them. The only thing keeping me from that is her. She better not fall in love with him. Or if she does she still better remain loyal and married to me. I would be living a different kind of life without her. Who knows, maybe it would be better. Maybe living alone in a studio apartment would be the ideal lifestyle for me. Maybe this house in the suburbs, these jobs we work and all we do to hold our life together is too much for the both of us. Maybe we have both had it but keep doing it because we want to keep what we have. That is honest. We want to keep what we have so we keep doing it. Maybe I am in the midst of a psychotic episode. I don’t think so but maybe I have already been driven completely mad by having to do the things I do to keep the lifestyle I have. Maybe when you hang on to something for too long it can make you mentally sick. Who knows. I don’t even know what I am talking about anymore. The same David Lynch song has been playing over and over and over and over. Turn it off.
Zev Bauhaus 13 Minutes
Published by Zev Bauhaus