DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Nothing in this based on an actual person. I do not endorse any kind of harm or violence done to anyone. I am discussing subversive ideas through fiction.
I’m avoiding writing. I am doing everything I can to avoid writing. So I will sit here on my toilet and ruminate. But ruminate about what? What themes should I ruminate on now? I am not interested in sex at the moment. I have been having a lot of sex and often it causes nothing but distress. I am happy when the desire to have sex is gone. At the age of 47 I question whether or not my body even wants sex anymore. I have a feeling it is all psychological at this point. I have been masturbating more. But not masturbating in the way one does when they are filled with shame. I have not been masturbating to orgasm but instead I have been masturbating for the simple pleasure of it. I would like to get better at masturbating. What I mean by this is that I would like to take masturbation out of the private realm and more into public territory. I would like to masturbate when with people. It would be fun to masturbate while my wife is driving and I am in the passenger side seat (a good way to alleviate my car anxiety). I would like to masturbate more at various social gatherings. In front of attractive women obviously. But this may cause problems. I wish there were places I could go where I could just masturbate while watching naked women walk around or do sexual things. It would be fun to masturbate in front of my wife’s friends as they just hang out and talk. But I am not sure if I would be able to do this. I may be too shy. But I have always wanted to be a more public masturbator. When I was in my twenties, I went to a sex party in San Fransisco and there was a man my age who was completely naked and masturbating. Just leaning against the wall and masturbating. He was doing it for hours. I couldn’t believe it. How could he do this publicly? How did he have the courage? I presumed he must be mentally ill. Much too sexually deviant to be sane. But who knows, maybe he was a perfectly healthy young man. In fact maybe he was more mentally healthy than the rest of us because he was no longer repressing his sexual desires with shame. Many famous psychiatrists have spoken about repressed sexual desire as the root of mental illness. I do feel like the closer I get to actually living out my deepest sexual desires the less depression and anxiety and anger I suffer from. Who knows, maybe if I was able to become a more public masturbator my mental health would greatly improve. But I would want to do it all the time. Once I was able to actually masturbate publicly it would probably become my favorite thing to do. I would do it every chance I got and this could get in the way of my social life and my reputation. But I am a sexual deviant. I am actually a sexual degenerate. I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t see sexual degeneracy as a negative thing. By sexual degeneracy I mean no sexual hang ups and in pursuit of sexual experience pretty much most of the time. I wear my sexual degeneracy with honor. I think it is important to be a sexual degenerate. It is one way to disrupt all of the normalizing and repressive powers of the society I am stuck in. Sexual degeneracy is how I live a fuller and more radicalized life. It is my act of political protest against the conservatism of the capitalist American lifestyle. Sexual degeneracy has a rich lineage in the Beats, the Existentialists, the Libertines and all the way back to the Greeks. Those seeking freedom from norms. The moment sexual degeneracy is drained from us we become much to normal. We become capable of nothing important. Sexual degeneracy is the root of so much creativity. It keeps one from becoming to sucked in to the totalitarian system that is America today. I thought I wasn’t going to ruminate on sex today? I guess I was wrong. I guess I always have something to say about sexual matters even if I am not feeling particularly sexual. Did I have anything else I wanted ruminate about? At the moment not really. I feel like I should turn my standing desk into a sitting desk. Maybe the reason why I have been avoiding writing is because I don’t like writing while standing. This could be it. It is uncomfortable to stand and write simultaneously. Writers like myself don’t stand when writing. I imagine it is only business, tech and sports writers who stand while writing. Not existential, absurdist, literary writers like myself. Maybe I should lower my desk. But this will be an extensive process. I am always lowering and raising my desk. I will move the location of my desk. I will buy a new desk or change out my desk for one of the desks I have in the garage. I am continually seeking out a new kind of desk in the hopes that then I will write more. Maybe I should just keep my desk as a standing desk. You told yourself that you were not going to change your desk anymore. And now you are thinking about changing your desk again. But a standing desk is good for me. Most of my time is spent sitting. If I can get an extra hour or two of standing in while writing I don’t see this as a bad thing. Maybe I should just try and keep the standing desk. But it is uncomfortable. It makes writing and editing extremely difficult. Painful. But writing and editing is painful even when sitting. If you are writing and editing and sitting you will think that you sit too much. You will start to want to have a standing desk again. And then you will change your desk back into a standing desk again and this will just go on and on until you die. It is madness. You just need to have a desk and leave it that way. Writing and editing is never going to be comfortable for you no matter what kind of desk you have. But standing does make writing more difficult. Writing is already hard enough I don’t need my back to be throbbing. Can’t I just sit down?