It’s The Only Way I Will Write This Novel

I have paid someone to come and point a gun at me. I am paying him $60.00 a session to keep the gun pointed at me until I finish a chapter. I have instructed this gun pointer that I must write one chapter while he is here. This means I must write it, edit it and then post it on my blog. If I am not able to do all of this for any reason, I have instructed the gun owner to shoot me. I have also instructed him to come shoot me if he does not hear from me in seven days in a row because that means I quit writing the novel (I had to pay him an advance for this). It’s the only way I will write this novel.

 

Every time I want the gun pointer to come and point his gun at me, I just need to send him a text and give him about an hour or so. When he does get here I have a chair prepared for him. He likes where I have placed the chair because it gets a lot of sun as he sits pointing his gun at me. The chair is a comfortable chair, which I have placed right besides my desk. I have no idea what kind of gun he points at me. It seems to be a different one each week. Today he had a shotgun but I don’t know the make. So far I have spent over two thousand dollars on this project. I presume I will spend at least a thousand more. It’s the only way I will write this novel.

 

The gun pointer asked me if it bothered me that he was just sitting there pointing a gun at me as I typed. I told him that it didn’t bother me much. By chapter eleven I had gotten used to his presence. The gun pointer does smoke and so do I, so that works out well. The gun pointer keeps asking me how much longer I will need him for. I tell him I don’t know. I need his presence for however long it takes. He needs to be here when I text. It’s the only way I will write this novel.

 

I’ve explained to the gun pointer that writing a novel is very challenging work for me. It exhausts me and takes just about everything I have. Even writing and editing three or four pages. I assume this is because of the subject matter of Sell Out Man. It is a difficult novel to write. I tell the gun pointer that if he is not here I will do everything I can to avoid writing this novel. I will kayak around. I will organize. I will go for walks. I will look at naked photos of women on Twitter. I will read. I will sleep. I will give in to my resistance and that is why I need him here. I have a story to tell that I don’t really want to tell but need to tell. It’s the only way I will write this novel.

 

I think the gun pointer thinks I am nuts. Maybe I am. Maybe I have lost my mind. I don’t really know. Maybe a writer needs to lose their mind to write a decent novel. I don’t even know if my novel is any good but I continue to write. I have a story to tell and if I don’t tell it now I never will. This is the essence of all good literature, I tell the gun pointer. He tells me that he is a simple man. He lives on his boat with his dog. He doesn’t get involved in these kind of affairs. I tell him that is ok. He is probably better off and I appreciate his presence. I need him to want to be here. It’s the only way I will write this novel.

 

He’s doing it for the money, he tells me. He could care less about me. I am already a has been. I mean nothing to this world. Who care about novels like Sell Out Man. What a waste of time. Why not do something more productive and useful? Sometimes I think he dislikes me enough to shoot me. I get slightly concerned but that is ok. It’s the only way I will write this novel.

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