Toilet Rumination #129

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Nothing in this based on an actual person. I do not endorse any kind of harm or violence done to anyone. I am discussing subversive ideas through fiction.


Everywhere I look, there is crap. There is crap in my toilet. Crap fills my backyard. There is dog crap and human crap. When I lift my garbage can lid there is nothing but crap inside. When I lift the toilet lid- crap. Continual crap. Every cabinet in my house is filled with crap. Crap fills bags that hang from doors. Crap fills closets. There is so much crap in closets that the closet doors can barely contain the crap. There is crap under the desks. Crap under dressers. Crap under chairs and couches. Every drawer and every corner is filled with crap. There is heaps of crap behind the washer and dryers. There is crap that fills the crevices in my backyard. I am dominated by crap. Crap is everywhere. I try so hard to push back the crap. To organize the crap. To keep the crap from over taking my life. I try to push the crap behind closed doors. Stuff the crap into bags. But there is crap all around. Crap fills the trunk of my car. Crap fills every closet and drawer at my office. The crap is disorganized and piled in mountains of crap. How can a person live a calm life with all of this crap all around? This crap makes me want to escape. This crap makes me so mad. Piles and piles of crap everywhere I look. Is this what humans do- amass mountains of crap? Fill their lives with crap? I think that those of us who do not succeed in life do not succeed because we have been taken over by mass amounts of crap. We are exhausted by crap. We are perplexed by crap. We are overwhelmed by all the crap. We feel trapped and stuck because of the crap. We continually want to escape from all the crap. But we keep amassing crap. We are crap machines. We can’t get a handle on all the crap so we add to the crap. There is always more crap being added to the crap. There will come a time where the crap cannot be hidden from view anymore. We will be suffocated by our inability to get any control over our crap. For now the crap bleeds out from the corners like blood from a scabbing wound. We have just enough space to keep the crap hidden from view. But without space we are condemned to suffer. We need space around us just like a fish needs water. We need space in our cabinets and drawers. We need space in our purses and bags. We need space under our couches and behind our washers and dryers. We need this space to live productive and calm lives. Without this space we feel trapped and are continually seeking escape from all the crap. Why don’t we see this? It is not the job and the people that we really want escape from. It is all the crap that we have amassed in our lives that we want to get away from. But we don’t bother to deal with our crap. Instead we keep our crap disorganized. We allow our crap t exist everywhere and try to keep it out of view. We spend so much of our time and energy trying to get control over this crap. Trying to organize the crap that we can see so that we have the illusion of having some control over the crap. But there is still crap everywhere. Crap behind closet doors. Crap in pantries. Crap piling up on shelves. Crap in purses and bags. Crap fills closets. Craps piles up in the trunks of our cars. There is crap that fills all of our trash cans that everyone refuses to take out. We have become the crap. We live within the crap. We are the crap. Our brains have turned into crap. We look like crap. We smell like crap. We talk like crap. We act like crap. We have been possessed by crap. We have not been able to defeat the crap or organize the crap so we have turned into the crap. We have had to become crap in order to adapt to all the crap that fills our lives. We create crap. Material crap. Psychological crap. Our love is crap. Our friendship is crap. Our ideas are crap. Our complexions are crap. Everything about us has turned to crap. This is what happens when we are no longer able to make space. We turn into the crap that we create.

Toilet Rumination #109

Yes, I am judgmental as all hell. My judgement is sharp, very sharp. I cut through crap with my sharp judgement. I thought you knew this about me? I don’t know why it comes as such a surprise that I think most of the things people are interested in is absolute crap. That most of people’s interests makes me violently mad. That I have nothing but bitter contempt towards most things. I thought you knew this about me? Why are you so surprised when it is directed at you? You should know better than to bring such banal and crap-filled interests around me. You should be more careful what you become interested in because you know that if you let yourself give in to all the absolute crap, I will cut you from time to time. I try not to. I really try to accept the way you chose to have fun and entertain yourself. Who am I to talk after all. I am just a sick and tired man, isolated from the outside world by my refined beliefs. Who am I to talk? I have no friends to speak of. I have no one that I would like to share interests with. I don’t do much that I care about. I prefer to stay isolated and comforted from all the absolute crap in the world. I know, who am I to cast judgement on all those who seem to be out there living fun and vibrant lives? What a piece of shit I am. But my bitterness and disdain towards all the crap in the world has been highly developed and refined. I have consciously chosen not to let the crap in. I have chosen to better myself and my sensibilities and rise above and beyond all the mindless, stupid, bullshit crap in the world. I have worked hard to become a refined man of culture. I have developed my aesthetic sensibilities through rigorous self-discipline and a determination to delve deeper than all the crap. To investigate and to learn. To seek things and explore rather than take what is handed me by the crap of culture. Everyone wants to be entertained and have fun. Every one wants to do what everyone else is doing. But I have had to forge my interests and preoccupations in solitude and isolation because the culture I live in is so stupid that it could not offer me the depth and quality that my brain and soul need. But you have given in. You have taken what is easy and common place. But who am I to judge? Just because I have chosen to refine myself beyond the masses, because I have chosen to develop my sensibilities in the same way someone would develop a fine wine or any unique and rare thing. I have chosen not to be a part of the stupidity of what is easily offered to me by the dumbed down masses. Sure it is fun and entertaining. Sure you will laugh a lot but it requires zero refinement to do these things. Should a person not develop beyond childish behavior at some point? Shouldn’t people at some point chose to have fun, laugh and be entertained in ways that do not strip them of their dignity? I disdain those who surrender their dignity because they just want to be entertained and act like stupid dogs. I think we should work harder than that. We should seek out culture like an archeologist seeks out a digging site. We should differentiate ourselves from all the crap because as human beings we can do better than crap. But who am I to judge? I have profoundly deep beliefs. I have a sharp and bitter judgement but I feel like I have earned these things through great suffering and effort. This is why I do not sometimes stop from telling you exactly how I feel. You tell me my interests are pretentious crap but you fail to understand that you call it pretentious because it requires effort to understand. You must really pay attention and focus on the things that I am interested in. They are hard.  Crap requires no effort. That is why it is crap. It is easy.  But who am I to judge? Really I am a nobody. Completely isolated from the world. I am no one so my opinions and beliefs matter not. I am learning, through necessity, to let go of my refined judgments and beliefs, just so I can live more at ease with the people around me, but it is hard to give up something you have worked so long and hard in solitude to refine.